In a tail-wagging turn of events at a California university, academia has been rocked by the news that a dog has not only learned to speak English but is now a tenured professor teaching philosophy. Meet Gary, now known to college scholars as Professor Barkington, a four-legged prodigy who is making waves in the academic community with his groundbreaking lectures, though his unconventional attire—or lack thereof—is raising a few eyebrows.
Professor Barkington, a border collie mix with an impressive vocabulary and a keen intellect, was discovered by university staff after repeatedly showing up at the philosophy department’s door. Witnesses recall the day when the then named Gary eloquently stated, “I seek knowledge and transcendence” in perfect English, leaving everyone in awe.
Recognizing his potential, university administrators swiftly made Gary an offer he couldn’t refuse—a tenure-track position in the philosophy department. Gary jumped at the chance, but added a very specific caveat, “Gary is my slave name. If I am to be a master among your people, please refer to me as Professor Barkington.” Students, initially skeptical, quickly warmed up to the idea of a furry professor with a gift for gab.
“I thought it was a prank at first, but Professor Barkington’s classes are surprisingly enlightening,” said Jenny Williams, a philosophy major. “He has this unique perspective on existentialism that’s both profound and pawsome.”
Despite his canine status, Professor Barkington’s lectures cover a wide range of philosophical topics, from ethics to metaphysics, and his ability to connect with students has earned him a devoted following. His office hours are particularly popular, with students seeking advice on both academic and personal matters.
However, not everything has gone smoothly for the canine scholar. Students have started raising concerns about Professor Barkington’s lack of clothing. While it may be acceptable for a dog to go au naturel, the academic community expects a bit more formality from its professors.
“I appreciate his insights, but it’s hard to focus on Nietzsche when he’s wagging his tail and not wearing any clothes,” remarked a slightly uncomfortable student.
The university administration has been caught in a bind, as they don’t want to stifle Professor Barkington’s academic contributions, but they also recognize the importance of maintaining a certain level of decorum in the classroom.
“We’re exploring options to address the clothing concern without compromising Professor Barkington’s academic freedom,” stated Dr. Amanda Shumer, the university’s dean.
As Professor Barkington continues to shape young minds in the philosophy department, it remains to be seen whether a compromise on his wardrobe can be reached. One thing is for sure, though – the academic world will never be the same, thanks to the eloquent teachings of a philosophical pooch originally named Gary.
Jessica Cortez-Hill
